One year on....

.. and still no baby.

I started this blog a little under a year ago. I became friends with D through the BC forum and she suggested that blogging may make me feel a little better as it was a way of puking my emotions up and venting my feelings without the need to pay someone to clear it up at the end of it.
So I started blogging on 26th October 2008. Husband and I had just returned from a break in the Highlands where we had a chance to reflect, heal and be together following my miscarriage.
Here I sit, almost 11 months later and I'm still moping about it all.

Tomorrow marks the one year passing of my miscarriage. 23rd September 2008 The day that my world came down.

It's hard to describe exactly how I feel right now. Frustration is a key word I know that for sure. All the emotions in me are constantly trying to make their way out and I often struggle to contain them.
One woman who posts on the BC forum has told me (trying to be nicey nicey about it) to get over it. I was pretty shocked to read her post. Maybe she has a point I don't know. Does the fact that she has sadly suffered 6 miscarriages make her more 'superior' to opionion? Am I really just living in the past and not moving on? I don't know that either.

So many tests, appointments and consultations have been made and kept this past 11 months. We know now that my body is working as it should. All Hormone levels are bang on the line and I know I ovulate. They try to tell me that my PCOS is a factor but let's be honest here... If it were indeed a factor then woudn't something be awry with my body? I'm ticking along as normal.
They tell Husband that although his tests came back ok, they'd like to see more mobility. The boys are there, they just need to pop to Arg.os and purchase a Tom-Tom.

They tell me I am overweight - No shit. My BMI is 34. Too high. Yes I know. I've tried to shift some weight over the last 11 months but there's an obstacle in my way. Emotion. I can't lose weight because my mental state of mind prevents me from eating what I should. I can't get the motivation. Some would say that the opportunity of concieiving itself alone should be a motivator but It hurts too much still and besides, I was overweight when I conceived last Summer.

So, here we are. A year tomorrow marks the one year passing of my miscarriage and I do not feel any better than I did back then. I am more bitter these days I know that for sure.
I am weaning myself off the Birth story programmes and anything on Discovery Home and Health. At one point it was the only channel on my Sky Favourites. I try to be positive to those around me - in person - who are with child but it's hard to contain my bitterness and jealousy.

Plans for tomorrow are a trifle sketchy. Husband has got the day off work. We are a little strapped for cash right now so cannot pay a trip anywhere that involves cost. I think we might pack up a lunch and go for a really long walk. Who knows.
A lot of folk have told me the build up is worse than the day itself. I have been a mixed bag these last few weeks. Today I am not so bad. Yesterday I was a wreck as my reply to WFI's blog post proves.

Maybe once tomorrow is over I'll feel better. Who knows.

Thanks to all those who have been supportive over the last 11 months since this blog started. It's humbling to know people care. I know most of you have gone/are going through similar heartbreak but I also know that thanks to the people such as Lore, Ibis & Kara there is light at the end of the tunnel.