Release

Since beginning my blog, I have never explained what happened the day we lost our bean 3 months ago. I have realised that hubby and I have never actually told our loved ones the inner details of events at the time. Having thought about it all night, I have decided to explain what happened. This might be a mistake, it might help me I dunno but apologies in advance as this might upset some:

On Sunday 21st hubby and I went to work as per usual (we both work the same shift) and I felt absolutely fine. During my lunchbreak I went to the loo and noticed I was spotting. I shared this with hubby who was sat in the canteen and my boss who was asking what was wrong (he knew I was pregnant as I work in a factory and he had to do regular risk assessments). It must of been written all over my face as they were both rather concerned. Trying not to panic and thinking that I'd been told that spotting doesn't always mean the worst, I went back to work but for the next hour or so I just didn't feel 'comfortable'. My boss said I was acting different and walking different too. I didn't realise I was doing it. I went to pee again and got the shock of my life when I noticed the spotting had become heavier - enough to make me wear a towel and start to panic big time which is exactly what I did.. sobbing in the cubicle (no one else was about thankfully). I then legged it to my locker to get my PG papers and found the number for NHS Direct. I made my way to the first aid room and called the number. The conversation that followed was what I can only decscribe as me calling the nurse on the other end heartless etc. She told me to go back to work and try not to worry... Hello? Bitch! I hung up on her and called the EPU at the hosp who told me to come in for a check up.
As I hung up, my boss called my "work mobile" and I asked him to meet me and when he found me I explained what was happening.. he called hubby straight away and told him to get me to the hosp.
40 mins later, we're sat in A&E. 1 hour after that I finally had an exam. I had bloods taken and was told to wait. Time passed and I was dragged from room to room. It would seem that the hosp goes into Closedown mode on a Sunday as there was no Ultrasound available.. WHAT? I went a bit mad.
After explaining to all and sundrie how events had been that day, I was sent home and told to rest. Bed rest. No work. Fine I said.
We went home, I went to bed and worried. I stayed in bed all night and most of the next day. Hubby went to work but was sent home in the morning as he was not working.. just worrying.
Late afternoon I started to get the most horrendous cramping, like period pain. All the time I was bleeding (not spotting anymore, it was like a normal period). I asked hubby to rush out and get more paracetamol as we were out. He'd been gone 10 mins and the cramps got mush worse so I rang my GP who advised me to get straight to the hosp. Hubby picked me up on the way from the shop and we did the journey again.
It would seem the hospital doesn't work eveings either as the ultrasound dept was once again closed..WTF? After another harrowing wait in the A&E dept,I demanded a scan but they told me they couldn't do it. I had more bloods done & I was prodded by a gynae and told my cervix was closed which was a good thing. He advised if I was going to MC there wouldn't be anything they could to stop it but to go home and rest again.. Bearing in mind that my 12 week scan was bizarrely enough booked in for early the next day (tues) I couldn't have a bed, they sent me home.
All night hubby and I panicked, thinking the worst, drifting into dreamless sleep for a few minutes then waking panicking at the reality of things.

Tues morning came and I was still bleeding and getting cramps every 10 mins. We get to the hosp and we're told to wait in the room full of pg women awaiting their scans. Once woman looked set to pop and was all smiles and here's hubby and me looking somber and grey and red eyed from no sleep.

They call me in and after telling me I haven't had enough water (I was fit to pee everywhere) I had an internal and the look on the nurses fasce said it all. She called another nurse in and was given the 'nod'.. I'm assuming it's a confirmation on what the first nurse suspected. She told us there was no heartbeat. We saw bean right there on the screen but that was it. Bean was lifeless. We were being told that our baby had died and some weeks prior too. Nurse told us bean never grew past 8 weeks. My womb obviously didn't want to expel our bean some 4 weeks later.
We were given a few gratitious minutes to grieve. Me laying there staring into space speechless and hubby sat beside me beside himself with tears. The next hour or so was filled with the above and us being ushered quielty into a room (thus to not disturb happy folk having their scans). After being told our options, I decided there and then to have the ERPC. The nurse did look at me as if I was making the decision too quick but I was adament it was what I wanted and hubby was happy for me to make that decision.
They booked me for the next day and after numerous visits to the loo to change my sanitary towel we went home.

The next bit of this is rather disturbing so please don't read if you are easily upset/easily made queasy:

We got home at lunchtime but about half hour later and in a state of complete daze, I called my inlaws, my mum and my best friend and quite coldly told them what had happened. How I did this I still don't know as hubby was in no fit state to do it.. I just went into robotic mode. They were upset, I put the phone down when they started to cry..
About half later, I started to get very bad pains. What I can only describe as contractions (proved correct by my dr the next day). I'd had these pains mildly all morning but this was terrible, I was doubling over in the kitchen and the codiene that the hosp had given me was not taking any effect. Hubby got me a hot water bottle and I went for a lay down but it was no good, the pain was excutiating. Late afternoon I had to go change my towel again (I weas changing every 30 mins at this point) I was on the loo and I felt a very large clot pass.. however I know it wasn't a clot, it was our little 8wk bean. I won't go into super detail but let's just say.. I know.
I told hubby and we cried together again.. then after about 10 mins, the pain disappeared. I had sopme paracetamol and went to lay down. Apart from bleeding still, that was it.. all over..

I explained this to the dr's the next day and after a scan to confirm bean had passed naturally I was sent home without the need for the ERPC. The usual shit was spouted off by the gynae dr.. how MC's happen, no reasons why sometimes, etc etc.. yeah yeah yeah.. Fuck off and let me go home.

1 week later the bleeding stopped. That was it. 17 months on TTC and it was all over.

I apologise from the bottom of my heart for the lengthiness of this post. It has actually made me feel a little better though. I think about our bean everyday and the heartbreak will never go away.
If you got this far, Thanks for listening.